Im a couple months short of a year in which I haven't touched this xanga. I went back and read some of my previous entries - so young. so immature. So i'm thinking how long it would be before I come back and read this very post im writing to call my immaturity once more.

Though at the same time, so many things seem to change, not very much change at all. In two years, I will graudate from college and in two years, I will leave. again. Leave this beautiful place I now call my second home. Leave the rhythm of my body with the dance team I have grown to call my family. Leave friends that I wish I can GROW UP with. Leave love. Leave.  

Yay for friends! heh...thanks to my psychic powers, I am once again my perky self as I expected. Took long enough I think - about two weeks? Either I'm completely over it or I have juss been super busy to notice the empty hole in my heart dripping with pain lol.

Anyhow, I just wanted to thank you guys for the consolations and encouragements. I honestly have to say that your comments hit the spot, bullseye! I realize I was sounding pretty pathetic in my last entry but like I said, I was feeling pretty shitty. Blah blah blah you get the point, I love you all! *kisses*

On a brighter note..heck no what am I talking about, schools killing me already! I can't wait till friday! Busy busy.

For the past couple of days, I find myself uneasy, unsatisfy, and unhappy. And though after a couple of days or even weeks, I will feel my perky self revived again, I cant' help but vent about it now on this dead xanga. Hopefully with everything in words, I'll get a load off. There's been so many changes in the past three months and though I can't say that I don't enjoy the freedom college brings me, there's something I miss undoubtedly about highschool. It's true, I have been denying it bluntly and without a thought, but any more denial and I'll probably explode.

Highschool offers many comfort that college doesn't. I love my mom but I hate her at the same time. Yes, tough luck. The feelings are ambivalent but crystal clear. I miss her when she's not there but I'm annoyed when she is. Therefore, what is it that I really want? Even after much thought, there's only one answer: I have no idea. Had it not been for my mom, I wouldn't be where I am today (cliched but true) but also because of her, I would fail to ever be free. Geez, why is growing up so hard?

Friends. I have plenty but even with all of them around all the time, I don't understand why I feel alone. God, I'm so emo right now. Vivian, get over yourself.

Today I read some of my old IM chat logs from the past years. And wow for how immature I was and wow for how I haven't outgrown that immaturity. :-\ And I'm disappointed that I don't still talk to those I use to as much as before. But seriously, as far as highschool is concern, I never had a better year than sophomore year. Given a choice, I'd probably live that time span again...just for kicks. So much for not living in the past.

Maybe if I had worked this break, I wouldn't feel so useless, so unproductive and then maybe, I wouldn't think about vain things that I can't do anything about. I'm so upset at myself and maybe a little at someone else too, but no names. Short story long, should have, could have, but didnt work.

Last thing on my chest and probably the most gossip-able topic - romance. I don't know who's going to read this and I don't know who's gonna come aross this nor do I know or care if you even give a damn. It must be said cause I'm tired of holding everything in. I'm 18, not what many people consider old, but in years to come, I'm gonna have to settle. I've discussed this with my girls and frankly, it sucks. It sucks because I'm a picky bastard, I judge anything, and everything matters. Heh, I'm not gonna lie about it, I loved once and was heart broken once, and I'm not talking about those broken hearts from bad grades or family problems.

Honestly, I don't think I NEED to settle right now. Come on, who am I kidding? Freshman year in college? No way. But why not? Is my excuse realistic or is my reality just an excuse? what.thefuck. I date casually and I find fault in everyone that I date. Guys are good people, aren't they? And I'm still waiting for that same feeling I had years ago. So the question now is will I "just settle" or will I wait for that familar yet distant feeling?

*sigh* three cheers for a heavy load off the shoulder. enjoy.

I'm dead tired from the four days, 3 nights trip to San Francisco AND i have a billion homework assigns (that I probably won't do) undone. I can't deny the fact that the trip was a little fun and was a relaxing escape from reality aka school. However, I do regret going..even though I usually live by the "no regrets in life" theory..but only because I didn't think the time the fun cancelled out with how much I'm missing  in regards to homework and testing. Anyways before I rant anymore, let's talk more specifically about the trip itself..

The eight hour trip on Thursday was a killer for my body, I have never sat so long. Even though we had two hours intervals to break and walk around, get food, tinkle, and what not, I still have never sat soo long in my life, yes the whole 17 years . When we got there Thursday, I was bored out of my wits..there was seriously nothing to do..I wished we stopped for shopping somewhere. Oh wait..haha i did visit the gym Friday was a MUCH better day, but only in comparison to Thursday and later, a little of saturday. Competition was that Friday and Alhambra whatevered it lol (whatever = verb).

That night was what they called the Blue Jeans for Baby Somethign Dance..aka casually dressed. This night was THE shizzle! hahaha..The couple of last dances were my favorite..I ACTUALLY had a chance to talk to the guy i was dancing with (thank you slow dance!), very impressive..To-Be-UCLA boy that goes to sunny hill high school (i think) in Orange County who runs cross country and is about a head a half taller than me! charming isn't it? And yes thats about all I know..oh and he can sing

Half of saturday was really good..we visited Pier 39! Beautiful! Hung out with Jenny, Serena, Kowsigan, Steve, and Jaspher(..heh..) Missed you Janey! We had yummy clam chowder! *drools at the thought* and we walked around and the sight was breath taking. Had some fun at some free museum place. Wanted to visit the wax museum but we were all kinda low on money. Wanted to take the 5 dollars boat ride but Mr. Hersh was an ass..(grr)..um yea..it was fun but my foot really really hurt! The dance that night sucked a lot, they were 1 hr 15 mins late, the dance lasted 45 mins. The lighting was bad, you can basically see everyone!  The music was HORRIBLE! Whatever..just know it really pissed me off lol Sunday was home day..(i actually was homesick, so i was much glad to go home) On the way home stopped at outlet and bought really CHEAP food at In and Out and really CHEAP recorder at an electronic store: sony? Watched the Incredibles for the 3rd time and White Chick for the 2nd/3rd time? but it was still good..then got home at 6ish, went to eat pho with mommy and came home, did nothing..still doign nothing..shti im screwed!

STUPID APS!! STUPID TEST!!! STUPID HOMEWORK!!! STUPID STUPID!!